Thursday, January 31, 2008
My best friend is coming in to pick up her fiance tonight, so I am going to go out for dinner. Yummo!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
I got two more compliments today. One lady said I looked like I was losing several pounds by the day. It never fails every time I wear clothes that actually FIT me, I get compliments. This is hard at times, because as a fat person you always camouflage yourself. I have a hard time distinguishing the line between what "fits" and what is too "tight" (for my personal comfort level) sometimes.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I got my hair cut and colored this afternoon that was nice. Tomorrow I have my braces consult after school and then my second Couch to 5K Week Three training session. I am back to doing my running on my treadmill because it is really cold. I don't want to be able to use "it is cold" as an excuse. Depending on how I feel I may run in the morning.
I wanted to make a comment on my new running shoes. Having a great pair of running shoes really does make all the difference in the WORLD! My shoes were not super expensive, but they do provide some much needed support. Yesterday was the first time I ran with them, and I really could tell a lot of difference.
Monday, January 28, 2008
The only other place I have planned for the summer is to go to Nashville for a Literacy Conference for five days.
Spring Break....I am crossing my fingers, but it looks like my friend Penny and I will be going to Niagara Falls and then on up into Toronto, Canada for six days. :)
I am also entering into a different stage about receiving compliments on my weight loss. I really would like the compliments to stop. Well, I really wouldn't mind if it was only close friends that complimented from this point forward. I am really ready to blend in. I don't want to be known as the girl who lost XXX number of pounds. I was really serious when I said after my weight loss I'd like to take a job where no one knew I was fat.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
A few things I remember from my high school years regarding my weight...
1. My freshman year having a guy say that I needed to be in the "Building Blocks" club. It was a club for pregnant/teenage mothers.
2. Never having a date through all four years of high school. I even remember asking a guy, Shawn, to the Christmas dance, and getting turned down.
3. My junior year eating four doughnuts every day for lunch.
4. Going to my junior and senior prom ALONE, and wearing old lady formals from the Lane Bryant catalog.
5. Working all summer babysitting to buy "cool" clothes, and only being able to afford a few items from Lane Bryant.
6. Having a hard time fitting into the desks at school.
7. Being in the high school band in 9th and 10th grade...my mom was a "band mom" and we were getting fitted for marching band uniforms. She told me that I had the LARGEST uniform the band had.
8. When guys would be interested in me, it was to try to get involved with one of my friends. They wanted to how how to impress them, etc.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
There was also a really flattering dress from the misses section, size XL (not XXL--I didn't need the largest size in the section). I can't find a picture of it on the Target website. I so want to shop, but I am really trying my best to hold off!
I wanted to buy some of the "Assets" body shaping wear. This is Target's version of Spanx. I LOVE Spanx, but don't really want to invest in it until I am closer to a size that I plan to stay. The price on the Assets body shapers (from under bra to mid thigh) was only $20. The Spanx version is $79.
The only disappointment on my shopping trip was looking at the athletic clothing line. I was actually interested in purchasing some of this for my running. I tried the Champion Line, and I could fit into the XL, but it was too tight to wear for workout out. Perhaps I'll be able to fit in it as I get closer to my 5K runs.
- I am really pleased with the amount of water I am getting in. Best of all, it doesn't seem like "work" to get the water in, I actually really like it. The trick for me is to ALWAYS have my water bottle with me. All those sips really do add up.
- I started running. It was something I never imagined myself being able to do for so many years, and I can't begin to tell you how GOOD it actually feels.
- I registered for two 5Ks this summer.
- I really don't "stand out" like a sore thumb any more. When I go into a meeting, a store, there are many people that are my size (and many people that I am smaller than).
- I fit into a size 16 pair of pants!
- I am overall pleased with my food choices. I am doing really well with eating high protein and high fat foods.
- My mom didn't recognize me from behind when trying to find me in a restaurant.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Someone got her a blizzard cake, which would normally be something I would love. She wanted some kind of "banana" blizzard cake, and honestly that sounds NASTY! It will be easy for me to avoid that!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
I am down another pound this morning. I weighed in at 205. As I've said a million times over, I am so ready to see ONDERLAND! :) I do want to do something big once I reach this milestone, but I'm not sure what. I would love to celebrate it with my KADS support group, and I'm sure that we will. I am still not at the regulation weight for skydiving, or I think I would go ahead and do that. I'll have to ponder this question a bit more.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
I have also been thinking about the "source" of my carbs. Carbs that come from nut products or beans, while they still count, seem to have more effect on the scale moving downward. Something to keep in mind as I go forward. I know many people say a carb is a carb is a carb. I have also nixed the SF Dove Chocolates.
I am bored with my clothes. I want some new outfits. I bought two dress shirts and a pair of pants to tide me over until spring, but still! I was getting ready to say that "this time next year" I will have the same size clothes, and I can actually build a nice wardrobe. Yet, that is not true. I plan on having extensive plastics done in the summer of '09, so I still have some time to hold off. It is wild to think that by the end of the summer I could possibly be in a size 12. That would be so awesome.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
I got to talk with my friend Shandi last night. She had her DS in November. She is doing really well. It was a good encouragement to hear her success. :)
Monday, January 21, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
I was looking forward to seeing my friend for several reasons, but one of them was to go out to eat at some places I don't regularly go. Yes, I've had a few things I would not normally have, but it is weird. Food just doesn't have the hold on me like it once did. Yes, I "enjoyed" it, but I was not a SLAVE to it if that makes any sense. We went to IHOP, and I got the Harvest Grain pancakes. I had 1 1/4 of a pancake, and about 1/3 of a thing of hashbrowns. I didn't WANT anymore. I've lived in the "clean your plate" world for so long, I am still learning to be at awe with this "eat until you are satisfied" world. I like it here better. I feel better.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
The other thing I am confused about is how increased exercise should affect the amount of calories/food that I need to consume. I am NEVER hungry. EVER. Should I just eat more because I am exercising more? I don't know how to handle this.
I just want to keep things going in the right direction. I want to keep moving down the scale. Losing only 7 pounds has put a scare in me. I know it had to slow down, but I still have a decent amount of weight to lose. I don't want to not reach goal. I know a ton of people have stalled as they approached ONEDERLAND. That seems to be par for the course.
The lady that I babysit for commented on my weight loss last night saying I just keep getting thinner and thinner. I have not really lost that much lately, but I do think that my weight has shifted some, so that might help. I also wonder with all the compliments that I have been getting if I am starting to resemble a "normal" person's weight loss. When you are extremely overweight like I was, it takes at LEAST 50 pounds lost before people say anything (and even then it is typically your CLOSE friends/relatives). When you are not as big, people can start to see the changes of even ten pounds. I kinda wonder if that is where I am at now, I am at a smaller size so people notice the changes easier.
Friday, January 18, 2008
"Getting faster wasn't a smooth, linear progression. It was a frustrating series of good days and bad days."
How much this quote relates to WLS. I let myself get frustrated, because I want the complete smooth linear progression. Yet I forget that even though there are many factors I can control, there are also factors I cannot control. If my body feels I am losing too quickly, it is going to slow down my weight loss process, etc. I can't let the bad days get me down. There is a definite progression, I need to realize that it comes with good and bad days.
Another quote I enjoyed from the chapter:
"Some of the lessons to be learned about yourselves can be best learned as we push toward the edges of our abilities. The truths for which we search, about what and how much we are willing to do, can only be discovered as we continue to ask more of ourselves."
Thursday, January 17, 2008
I have also noticed that when I sit in seats, I rarely spill out of the seat. The seat holds my entire body. This has never been the case before. It is pretty cool.
I ran into a lady that I used to work with, who had not seen me since prior to my surgery. She couldn't believe my transformation. I told her that I wanted to lose about 40 additional pounds. She said she didn't see where it would come from. I know she was being nice, but it sure made me feel good.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Yeah, sure it is nice to think that in a perfect world people would look at your heart, and not just your outward appearance. We all know that is not true. It is hard to get a date when you are SMO. I know, I've lived it. I know that several of you have as well. I didn't comment to my coworker and boss, because I know they wouldn't get it.
I sometimes wish that I had met "the one" who had loved me when I was fat and would love me when I got thin. That was not the case for me.
I really feel like the rest of the weight will come off. Wherever I am meant to land, I will land weight wise. I know before long I will see ONDERLAND. I am guessing that I have not been there since the end of fifth grade. I was a fat kid before fat kids were everywhere (like they are now adays).
Life is good. Having the DS was the best decision I have ever made. I am thankful for Dr. Huacuz, and the fact that he saved my life.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Although my weight loss has slowed, the compliments really have been pouring in. I guess my body is settling, and the loss is showing. One principal said she didn't even recognize me. (I had not been in her school since August. Thinking about it, I have lost roughly 90 or so pounds since August.)
I had to "safety pin" my shirt tighter today. I didn't realize that I was showing much cleavage because it was too loose. I guess I won't be be wearing that shirt anymore.
One of my friends is coming in this weekend. That will be good times. I am looking forward to the nice three day weekend.
Monday, January 14, 2008
On a weight related note: I am starting to feel like I really fit in. I don't feel like there is a neon sign telling people to gawk at me. It is the most refreshing feeling in the world.
I know it is a pain to buy clothes frequently when you are changing sizes constantly. Since I have gotten smaller, I like my clothes to fit. I also notice that when my clothes fit, I receive more compliments on them and my overall appearance.
It is strange going from "what will cover me up the best" (pre-DS) to now "how can I look more polished." I genuinely want to look nicer now. It is a weird thing to explain.
I'm going to take pictures tonight with my friend. I am trying to take pictures of my face every ten pounds down.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
You may be wondering how DSers can eat 3000+ calories per day and not gain weight. Some people also seem to have difficulty understanding why our arteries aren't clogging up, since most of us eat about 50% of our calories as fat. And my personal favorite is the accusations that we are eating like pigs at a trough or somesuch. For those of you who are genuinely interested, this is how the DS works.
I (and many if not most DS post-ops over 2 years out) eat about 3000 cal/day most days. But we don't absorb that much, of course. This is the "magic" and the pleasure of how the DS works, and why it works. The mathematics of malabsorption look something like this:
I always get about 100 g of protein/day (and NONE of it makes me puke or foam or gets stuck, and I have NEVER had protein shake -- since surgery, I have eaten all my protein as FOOD). 100 g of protein x 4 cal/g = 400 cal eaten; x 0.6 (60% of protein absorbed) = 240 cal from protein absorbed.
Since I eat at least 50% of my calories as fat (full fat mayo to my heart's content; butter with my seafood and veggies; full fat salad dressing, and lots of it, with my salads and veggie dips; nice marbled meats including steak, bacon and crispy chicken skin), let's call it 1530 calories which equals 170 g of fat (fat is 9 cal/g) to make the math easier. But I absorb only 20% of the fat I eat, for only 306 cal from fat absorbed.
So, fat + protein eaten = 1930 calories of the 3000 I eat per day. That leaves 1070 cal or 267.5 g of carbs (4 cal/g). But I only absorb about 60% of complex carbs. I have to account for sugar first, because I do absorb 100% of sugars -- I would guestimate that I eat about 50 g of sugar/day x 4 cal/g for 200 calories from sugar absorbed; of the remaining 870 calories of complex carbs x 0.6 (60% absorbed) = 522 cal from complex carbs absorbed.
So, my ABSORBED calories from 3000 ingested calories (eating 100 g of protein, about 50% fat and the rest carbs) is:
240 cal protein
306 cal fat
200 cal sugars
522 cal complex carbs
1268 calories absorbed per day from eating 3000 cal
And that is why I (and other DSers) can eat like that, not exercise, and still be either maintaining or losing weight. It doesn't suck!
To be clear, I am NOT advocating not exercising! Everyone needs exercise for cardiovascular health, bone health, looking toned, etc. My point is, exercise for losing or maintaining weight loss isn't as necessary for most DSers.
As for arteries clogging from all that fat -- what doesn't get absorbed doesn't get to my arteries, of course! My total cholesterol is 167, my HDLs are 53, and my LDLs are 95. My triglycerides are 95. All of which numbers are EXCELLENT -- my doctor wishes her levels were that good. My CRP (an indicator of inflammation and thus cardiovascular risk, especially in women), which was a dangerous 10 times normal pre-op, and which was not helped much by statins, is now completely normal with NO statins. My cardiologist released me -- there is no need to see him anymore! (A personal note: My cholesterol was 189 prior to my DS. My current cholesterol is 108. I don't know the specific individual numbers, but my doctor said they were well within range.)
Note that contrary to unfounded accusations, I don't eat huge amounts of food at a time (nor do most of us) -- I do eat smaller, higher calorie meals (full of yummy fat!), and I eat 4-6 times/day. I didn't binge pre-op, and I don't binge now. I usually get at least a snack if not an entire second meal out of a restaurant meal, which for me is generally sharing a couple of appetizers with my husband, sometimes a piece or two of bread with LOTS of butter, an entree of my own, and sharing a dessert, along with a drink (Mai Tai!). I usually take home some of one of the appetizers, and half of my main course, and finish it off before bed or for breakfast the next day.
I didn't have a major sweet tooth pre-op, but I eat even fewer sweets now -- the DS changes metabolism to correct insulin resistance, and after 2-4 bites of something sweet, I am generally done. I am satisfied with less sweets than I was pre-op -- sweets taste DELICIOUS for a couple of bites, and then taste overly sweet. I get both the pleasure of having sweets with no repercussions, and no fear of overindulgence. Sometimes, when I feel inclined to indulge but find myself physically not wanting more, this is almost amusingly annoying. No willpower needed!
By the way, based on studies on people with short bowel syndrome, intestinal adaptation is generally complete by about 2 years out. The statistics of weight loss maintenance over 10-15 years with the DS supports the theory that the same is true for DSers -- if there was continued adaptation of the intestines after two years, there would likely be significant and ongoing weight gain in long term DSers, which there generally isn't.
He has been HIV positive for 8 years. He has not taken care of himself physically (by way of check-ups or medication) either. I am scared to see how he may look physically. I worry about him, and often have thought of him over the years.
I hope that dinner goes ok tomorrow. I pray that he has matured. I hope he is taking care of himself. I hope I know how to handle myself regardless.
I have not run in three days. The break was good. I WILL be running this evening.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Obesity Surgery, 17, 1421-1430 (2007)
Duodenal Switch: long-Term Results
Picard Marceau, MD, PhD1;Simon Biron, MD, MSc1; Frederic-Simon Hould, MD1; Stefane. Lebel, MD1; Simon Marceau, MD1; Odette Lescelleur, MD1; Laurent Biertho, MD1; Serge Simard, MSc2
'Department ofSurgery, Laval University, Laval Hospital, Quebec, Canada; 2Biostatistician Laval Hospital Research Center
Results: Survival rate was 92% after DS. The risk of death (Excess Hazard Ratio (EHR) was 1.2, almost that of the general population. After a mean of 7.3 years (range 2-15), 92% of patients with an initial BMI > 50 kg/m2 obtained a BMI <35>50 obtained a BMI <40.>5 was decreased by 86%. Patients' satisfaction in regard to weight loss was graded 3.6 on a basis of 5, and 95% of patients were satisfied with the overall results. Operative mortality was 1% which is comparable with gastric bypass surgery. The need for revision for malnutrition was rare (0.7%) and total reversal was exceptional (0.2%). Failure to lose >25% of initial excess weight was 1.3%. Revision for failure to lose sufficient weight was needed in only 1.5%. Severe anemia, deficiency in vitamins or bone damage were exceptional, easily treatable, preventable and no permanent damage was documented.
Conclusion: In the long term, DS was very efficient in terms of cure rate for morbid obesity and its comorbidities. In terms of risk/benefit, DS was very sucessful with an appropriate system of follow-up.
In our view, morbid obesity is a metabolic disease that extends beyond uncontrolled appetite and abnormal food intake. For the past 25 years, our goal has been to change the basic physiology of these patients, allowing for excess weight loss, maintenance of weight loss and continuation of a normal life. We consider that it is important for quality of life to be able to eat normally. We felt that it was preferable not to concentrate our effort on food restriction, giving a false impression that the only problem is a lack of control of food intake, but rather to target correction of the metabolic dysfunction. In these patients, the difficulty has never been to attain weight loss, but to maintain that weight loss. Morbid obesity should be considered a chronic disease, which requires treatment for life.
The first 8 years (1982-1990), BPD as described by Scopinaro was the procedure of choice within this center. While the results were positive, a decrease in side effects with improvement of absorption were further targets. The procedure was modified successfully. For the last 15 years (1992-2007), DS has been our primary procedure for all patients. This choice has been reinforced with additional knowledge on important involvement of intestinal hormones in the etiology of obesity. It was also reinforced by the high long-term failure rates reported for numerous other procedures.
The present study could be considered exceptional. The Canadian medical system has facilitated an efficient follow-up of a large unselected cohort. We are not aware of any comparable study, using a consistent procedure with such an extended and thorough complete follow-up.
Our review shows excellent long-term results after 15 years. Both the weight loss and its maintenance compared favorably with any other procedure. It has the best "cure rate" where cure rate is defined as the absence of morbid obesity: 83% of those with an initial BMI >50 maintained a BMI <40 and 92% of those with an initial BMI <50 maintained a postoperative BMI <35.
DS also targeted co-morbidities. It "cured" most diabetic and dyslipidemic patients. For other associated morbidities, results were related to the extent of weight loss, where DS was as efficient as any other procedure.
The reluctance for using DS has been the concern over long-term risks. The present review should be reassuring. The procedure saves lives. A 15-year survival rate of 92% is much better than that of nonoperated morbidly obese subjects and perhaps even better than after RYGBP.8 The operative mortality was found to be comparable to that of RYGBP.13
The long-term risk for malnutrition is real but preventable. Deficiency in albumin, iron, calcium and fat-soluble vitamins requires compliance and medical attention. These deficiencies were rare, they appeared slowly, and were always reversible without permanent damage.
The procedure was relatively secure for bone maintenance. It is possible that with the medical attention provided after surgery, including increased physical activity, better alimentation and appropriate nutritional supplements, the procedure may even be beneficial for bone metabolism, rather than representing a risk.
The negative side-effects with DS were not benign. The unpleasant odor of stool and gas and the frequent abdominal bloating were the price to pay for these patients and it was a major preoccupation for many of them. However, 95% of patients declared themselves satisfied despite this handicap and no one has required reversal of the procedure for this reason.
The present evaluation has an important characteristic, in that it is comprised of a non-selected group of patients. No pre-selection was done on the basis of age, BMI, eating behavior, financial or psychological conditions, merits or expected difficulties for follow-up. With appropriate support, the procedure was found to be useful for all groups.
Thus, the global applications should be appreciated. We conclude that with a structured and devoted treatment team, DS is a very efficient bariatric operation, to the great satisfaction of both the patients and the care-providers.
Finally, one of the striking conclusions of this study is that, in spite of the inherent mortality risk of the bariatric surgery, the long-term outcomes are more positive than the mortality risk without surgery. Furthermore, in spite of the side-effects which are not minimal, the overall patient satisfaction dominates. These two points highlight the profound effect that morbid obesity has, not only on mortality, but also on quality of life.
Bra shopping was fun. Turns out I am bigger than what I thought....I am a 38C. I found several bras that I hope will "accent" what little I have there. It was nice being able to shop at Victoria's Secret. I felt girly. :)
Friday, January 11, 2008
Every now and then, I try on my pre-op pants, and I can't believe I used to not only fill those pants up, but they were VERY TIGHT when I wore them to Mexico to get my DS. I am almost to the point where I can fit into half of my pre-op pants. I'd say in the next 15 pounds I will be able to do it. That picture will really hit home with how much weight that I have lost.
I have heard once you hit size 14, that your clothing size changes roughly every ten pounds. Fat clothes were always pretty generous. You could usually go 15-25 pounds up or down, and not need to change a size. It will be a different experience watching my clothing size change that often. It would be awesome to think that this summer I could possibly be a size 12. That I could be shopping in the "regular" part of any store. It almost seems too good to be true. :)
Watch out size 16, here I come. (That won't be my final stopping point though! Wooooo Hooooo!)
Note: I looked back in my blog and in August I was talking about getting to a size 26. Five months later, and I'm looking at a size 16!!! :)
I'll run again tonight. I am actually looking forward to it. :)
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
This morning I saw an old friend. Actually, it was a really good friend prior to me having WLS. She spoke, and was nice, but it was very different. We were about the same size before I had surgery. It was weird seeing my old body double right there in front of me. It is one thing seeing it in pictures, but it is another seeing it right in front of your eyes in real life.
I think about how I would feel if she had been the person who had WLS, and not me. I would love to think that I would be super supportive, etc. Yet, at the same time, I could see myself withdrawing just like she has over time.
I watched The Biggest Loser: Couples last night. I don't really agree with the practices of the biggest loser, but I like watching how people who are really overweight can indeed push themselves. When they push themselves, they are amazed what they can do.
When it came time for the weigh in, there were two women whose weight was comparable to mine. I couldn't believe it. I think this is for two reasons. One, I have a hard time at times seeing that I am indeed much smaller than I used to be. Two, every human body is so different. We all carry our weight in different places. I carry the bulk of my excess weight in my thighs and hips.
Progress feels so good. :)
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
I ran for six tenths of a mile. I stopped for about 45-60 seconds after every two tenths of a mile. I am so pumped that I RAN again!!! I am going to run tomorrow night, but I am taking Thursday night off. I really am glad that I decided to go ahead and start running. I have some soreness, but I don't have any pain. My joints do not hurt. I really feel good. I cannot begin to say what running has done for me mentally. I am not concentrating on anything to do with my speed, just moving my feet one in front of the other.
From Bingham's book: (On lessons learned from running...)
"I learned how to be defeated, but not beaten. I learned how to admire
those who were faster than me without allowing myself to believe that they were
better than me. I learned that the real high was in finding your
limitations and exceeding them."
I am also thinking about signing up for a non-competitive sport team with the rec department for the summer. I am thinking kickball or volleyball. I think that would be fun to do.
Monday, January 7, 2008
From Bingham's Book:
"Those of us who have come to running later in life first must erase years of mental tapes of ourselves as everything except athletes. Athletes can't be them. Athletes must be us."
I am working on erasing the years of mental tapes of me as anything but a couch potato. I want to become an athlete. Little by little, step by step, I will become that.
Even with I see the logical reasons, my brain doesn't want to process those. My brain is saying I am failing my DS. Thoughts like, I paid a bunch of money, and left the country to have surgery, and I'm still going to end up fat for the rest of my life are dancing in my head. No one has any type of WLS and expects to fail. The reality is there are failures out there. I don't want to be one of them. Has the train stopped after nine months? I am scared.
I had thought about not weighing until the end of the month, but I really don't have the willpower for that. (The scales would not be able to be in my house in order for that to happen.) I also think what if I got to the end of the month and there was no change, or even worse...I had gained.
I upped my carbs for three days to see if that would help things, and it did not. I am going back to low carbs today.
Sorry for such a negative post, but I am really discouraged. I truly want to lose 50 more pounds, so I can be a healthy person. I am fighting for my health, and it is a fight I don't take lightly. I didn't care about my health for so many years, and that is how I ended up at 393 pounds.
I know this is one of those points where the rubber meets the road, and I really have to barrel down. It is hard, because I feel like I am giving things my all, and I am not seeing any results.
I want to get back in bed, have a good cry, and go back to sleep. :(
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
I want to look for a 5K to register for. That will give me a goal to train for.
From Bingham's book...
"I finally understood that getting in shape wasn't something that you did. It was something that you were always doing."
Friday, January 4, 2008
"It may surprise you to know that no human physical achievement, no matter how extraordinary, was accomplished by someone with a body that was fundamentally different
from yours and mine. All of the extraordinary feats of courage or tenacity or will were done by people just like you. That same potential resides in your body. It's just a matter of tapping it."
Tapping takes time, energy, and effort. I have not always had the best self esteem in my life, but through my DS, I have learned that I am worth the effort. Tomorrow I will run again, and work on tapping into the inner athlete in me that is dying to get out.
"It's easy to excuse yourself from dreaming of physical accomplishments if you believe that your body can't be different than it is. But it can. It can be strong, firmer, and more powerful. And when it is, you'll begin to consider all the possibilities."
Watch out world, I'm grabbing the bull by the horns with this exercise thing.
I got my running books by John "The Penguin" Bingham. I am reading "The Courage to Start: A Guide to Running for Your Life."
Here are some quotes from the introduction that really grabbed me.
"It was a mistake to quit running. I know that now. It was a
mistake to give up the joy I felt when I moved my body without nothing more
than my own legs, to let others steal my satisfaction from me. It was
a mistake that I won't make again."
As a SMO person, I have often let others steal my satisfaction from me. Yet, I am not going to let others take that from me. I refuse to let the stares of others, or their thoughts of me, stop me from achieving goals. I want to feel the joy of moving my body.
"Rediscovering the simple pleasure of running as an adult is a strange,
frustrating, wonderful, confusing, and ultimately immensely satisfying
preoccupation. It's hard to erase all the old images of yourself as clumsy
and uncoordinated and forget the feeling of isolation you felt when you were
always the last one chosen."
"Successful 'adult-onset' are made, not born. To those of us who simply want to run, the value of genetics is highly overrated. Running doesn't require an extraordinary combination of muscle and bone. It requires only the desire to move our bodies and the wisdom to accept the difference between our will and our won't."
I have never had an atheltic past. Here are my brief athletic encounterings: I played t-ball when I was five, soccer when I was in second grade, and a cheerleader in third and fourth grade. There is a lot of mental blocking to overcome that I could never become an athlete. Yet, Bingham says successful adult-onset athletes are MADE. I can choose to be a successful adult athlete. It comes down to whether I will or I won't.
"But as a runner, you have to face the truth about yourself on a regular basis, and it makes you more honest. You can't pretend to be faster than you are. You can't pretend that you are better prepared than you are. You cannot pretend to be a runner, you atually have to run."
"We all need to live out our dreams. We need to spend less time planning and organizing and more time doing. We need to spend less time worrying about doing things well and more time rejoicing that we are doing them at all."
This last quote really resonates deeply with me. I am a huge
planner and organizer. Yet I had this surgery to start living out my
dreams. To be able to have a life without limits. So what if I
can't run well, or I can barely run five minutes, I am running.
Ok, for you hard core exercise people, you can laugh, but I am so proud of myself! I RAN. Run and Tiffany have never gone in the same sentence before.
I started thinking today about my whole waiting until I weighed 180 before starting to run. I was using my weak left ankle as the reason to wait. It occurred to me that I should at least TRY before deciding if I needed to wait. Maybe the fact that my ankle has 179 pounds less to support might make it ok with running now. I decided to give it a shot.
I'm not sure exactly what speed I was going, I know it was a jog. I was on my treadmill, but only had it going at 3.4 miles per hour. I just started to jog. I didn't change the speed up any higher because I've had some fears with the treadmill, and even faller off of it twice recently.
I want to make the transition. From the girl who could barely move, to the girl who moves all the time. I want to be fit. I saw a girl with a "26.2" sticker on her car today. I thought to myself, I'd love to run a marathon before I turn thirty. Here is to success....celebrate each victory along the way. Today it is running for four minutes. :)
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Nothing upsets me more when people don't know their stuff. When you are a specialist, you should be on top of your game. Today, during my presentation, one of the people from the state sat in on our meeting. She asked me what something in my presentation meant. Normally, I would be very patient (if I were doing a training with teachers), but I was appalled. This is her field. The term was not a new one, and was something that she should have knowledge of. I know I was not the only person that couldn't believe she didn't know the term.
I don't want to come off cocky, but it is critical to know your stuff. When you leave college, it is your job to stay educated in your field. I know I am a nerd, and really like reading about my field. I just feel that you should be passionate about what you do. It takes time to really stay well read in your profession, but so critical.
Since losing weight, I have so much more confidence in getting up in front of groups. Before, I always felt as if they were staring at me, only thinking of how huge I was. Now I feel that people are actually listening to the content that I am delivering. There is one graduate professor, Coach South, I owe a huge debt of gratitude for as far as my public speaking abilities. He really worked with me, as they were HORRIBLE. He saw a gem, and really encouraged me to keep trying the public speaking. It is so much easier now than it used to be.
I don't like days I have to travel out of town, because I feel like it throws my eating off track. Today, I'm just going to stick with chicken salad and hard boiled eggs for lunch.
Some highlights of January that I am looking forward to:
* Getting to see Phantom of the Opera with some friends
* Seeing an old high school friend that now lives in Portland, Oregon (there are also some trepidations about that, which I will elaborate on later)
* The annual "Girls Just Want to Have Fun Weekend"
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Today I had lunch with my friends, and had bread with my meal. I didn't have a lot of it, but on the way home, I started to obsess over it. I seriously was mad at myself for letting myself eat the bread. Just a few minutes ago, it hit me. I have not had ANY bread for over 6 weeks. Why am I beating myself up for just a little bit on occasion?
I like how my perspective has changed post DS. Prior to surgery, just having some bread would not have even come close for me considering that as "ruining" my day. My eating was so out of control, even my worst day on the DS, makes me look like a saint pre-op. I like that I have a shorter check on myself now. I think things through. Yes, today I really did over think it. I'm so happy I'm not the person that I was.
I forgot to mention...it is cold, freezing cold. When you lose 179 pounds, you are COLD all the time. (Well, at least I am.)
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
This will be good for my spirit.
I have been obese my entire life. I can squat, but feel really akward with the whole balance thing. I guess there are so many muscles that I have not used there, that it makes the exercise difficult. This is something I will have to practice in order to be able to do it effortlessly.
It fascinates me to see how effortlessly people do this every day. I see people bend down to tie their kids shoes, or squat down to pick things up. One day, I will be one of those people.
I have these brief thoughts that I'd be ok with just losing a little bit each month, as long as I get to goal. I so want to reach goal. I have such little patience. While I have accomplished so much, I don't want to be satisfied. I am scared of becoming complacent. I am happy that I am the size that I am now, but I don't want to stay this size. While life is grand here, I want to be smaller! I want to be healthier!
Keep pressing on!