Friday, October 31, 2008
If I could lose five more pounds (and pick the location of where that weight would come from)...it would be my stomach. I really have to pay close attention to what I wear, because if not, I can look like "I'm starting to show"....which would be great, IF I WERE REALLY PREGNANT! Sadly, this area of my body is going to be the hardest to lose because I really need some plastics in my stomach.
Ben came over last night as a surprise. That was a very welcomed surprise.
I'm leaving at the crack of dawn for Seattle on Saturday, still need to pack and do laundry.
I am getting cold all the time now. I have been wearing my jacket over my sweaters to work.
Looking forward to Halloween fun tonight with Ben. I'll post pictures if I have time.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
She was talking about how she had struggled with weight since getting married. At 393.6 pounds, I would have rolled my eyes and thought all sorts of things. Now, I actually listened to her. Ok, so she didn't have a ton of weight she needed to lose, but she was still struggling. Who am I to be judgemental and rude? It is kinda like how I now chuckle at some of my brother and sister's things that they think are major life deals, simply because I realize that they are not. I have been through that stage in life, and know in the end how minor they are. I'm sure many have thought the same of my struggles. Yet, we need to be sensitive because it matters to that person, because it is where THEY are.
I got an email from my best friend Mandi. She is hurting so badly. My heart aches for her. She was involved (engaged, and almost married) to a horrible guy. He felt it was his mission in life to help every single overweight person realize just what they were, etc. He was a big man himself, but of course that was different. I knew this man had messed with her self esteem, but it wasn't until an email I received yesterday that I started to realize the many layers of HURT this man had caused her. It is going to take awhile to get out of this mess.
Of course, this made me reflect on how Ben has treated me. He has seriously treated me like a queen. He met me when I weighed between 175-180 pounds. I now weigh 144 pounds. He liked me when I was heavier, and does not like me "more" now because I have lost weight. From the way he briefly talks about things, I get the impression that he would like me to put back on a few pounds (he certainly doesn't want me to lose any more weight). Before Ben knew (and after) that I had WLS, he knew that eating better/losing weight/getting fit was a part of my life, and he was ENCOURAGING to me. He has said a few insentive things about fat people in general, but knowing what I know of his heart, I knew he didn't even realize what he had said. When I would point out how that particular comment could be offensive to someone who was fat/or currently is fat, he was profusely apologetic. I am thankful for such a sweet and loving man. It makes me think of the comment that Vicki (a fellow DSer) said the other day, "My husband didn't even know I was fat until I told him that I wanted weight loss surgery." I am slowly getting the idea that Ben really does love me....not just a skinny me....but me for me.
Life is good.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Afterwards, I still wanted to spend time with Ben. I told him that I needed to eat. I am getting more and more confident about vocalizing that I need to eat, even when I know he will not be hungry. He has been very accommodating.
Ok, time to have another great day!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Bob's Red Mill "Textured Vegetable Protein"...
Low in carbs (3 net carbs) and higher in protein (12 grams).
Monday, October 27, 2008
Yesterday I got to see Vicki and Ken at our KYADS meeting. That was a good time. I always look forward to hearing their perspective on all things WLS related, and in general. Both of them are extremely wise people.
Last night I got to go to church to hear a special speaker. This is at my church. (I have been going regularly with Ben to his church.) The one comment that was said that really struck me was, "We worry about failing in the eyes of man, when we should be concerned about succeeding in the things that don't matter to God." I need to let that comment seep in and marinated in my brain for some time.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I will post some pictures this evening of our KY DS group meeting. I am trying to be pretty regular about posting pictures, since I don't feel the need to hide behind the camera anymore.
ETA: I have my scale back in the condo. Why? I am keeping an AM/PM weight for my PCP, so I can show her the pattern that I really am not losing much, and am staying within a few pounds at my next PCP visit.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 35 minutes
8 oz dry egg noodles (8 grams Protein per serving)
2 cups milk (8 grams Protein per cup)
1 can condensed cream of mushroom soup
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
3 cans tuna (6-oz), well drained (37.5 grams protein per can)
1/2 cup frozen peas, thawed, drained (4 grams protein per serving)
4-oz shredded cheddar cheese (16 grams protein per serving)
**I skip the bread crumbs and add extra chese on top 4-oz shredded cheddar cheese (16 grams protein per serving)
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
Cook the noodles in salted water, one minute less than the directions call for. Drain well, and add to a large mixing bowl. Add the milk, mushroom soup, salt, and pepper, tuna, peas and 3/4 of the cheese. Mix with a spatula to combine. Pour the mixture into a buttered 9 x 13 casserole dish, and top with the rest of the cheese. Mix the breadcrumbs and melted butter until combined and spread evenly over the casserole. Bake for 35 minutes, until bubbling and browned.
Last night we had our indoor campout at Cassie and her husband's house. That was a lot of fun. I did of course do the whole size comparison thing, and for the first time in a long while, I really think that I accurately compared my body to someone else's body. I think I am the same size as the host of the get together, Cassie. I felt very at ease, and not out of place. That really was a blessing. After sticking out for so many years, blending in (in certain aspects) is such a welcome change.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Recipe courtesy George Stella
Show: Low Carb and Lovin' It
Episode: Holiday Dinner
Prep Time:15 min
Inactive Prep Time: hr min
Cook Time: 1 hr 30 min
Serves: 12 servingsVegetable oil spray, as needed 2 tablespoons wheat bran 2 1/2 cups almond flour 1 1/2 cups sugar substitute (recommended: Splenda) 1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder 1 1/2 teaspoons pumpkin pie spice 1/4 teaspoon salt 7 eggs 1 1/2 cups canned pure pumpkin (not pumpkin pie filling) 1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract (no sugar added, imitation is usually best)
Equipment: 9 by 5-inch loaf pan
Serving Suggestion: homemade sugarless whipped cream
Preheat oven to 300 degrees F.
Spray the loaf pan heavily with vegetable spray and sprinkle with the wheat bran, shaking the pan to coat on all sides--this will prevent sticking.
In a bowl whisk together the almond flour, sugar substitute, baking powder, pie spice, and salt. In another bowl, beat the eggs and then whisk in the pumpkin and vanilla. Combine the dry and wet ingredients and stir until combined. Pour the batter into the prepared pan and stir to combine.
Bake until golden brown and a toothpick comes out clean when stuck in the center, about 1 1/2 hours. Cool completely before removing from the pan. Slice into 12 portions.
Nutritional Analysis per serving
Calories 244Protein 23
Saturated Fat 2
Fiber 48 net carbs per slice
Ben and I were going to go get a pumpkin and carve it tonight. We had been invited to a camping overnight trip, but we already had plans on Saturday morning. Since the weather is so yucky, the camping trip was cancelled. Now, the couple is having an overnight party at their house. Ben and I are going to go to it, then drag ourselves to a church function early Saturday morning.
Ok, seriously need my nap now. :)
The boy is working like crazy to help my self concept. Seriously. He is saying so many nice things, I think it may finally be sinking into my thick scull. He was trying to load me down with Hershey's chocolate that his mom sent up. Last night, I was sitting next to him, and he wrapped his arms around me, and commented how he could wrap his arms all the way around me with a whole lot of room to spare. Later on he had his hands on my waist, and was saying how he could almost wrap his hands completely around my waist. (I almost cried thinking about that comment, knowing how huge I had been.) Last week when I was sitting in his lap, he commented that I was significantly lighter than the last time I was in his lap. (Of course, he prefaced the comment that I wasn't heavy that time either....just that he noticed a difference.) He also says that me sitting in his lap is his favorite way to hold me.
Off to get labs drawn today. I hope that my acidosis is better after taking all this potassium.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Everything I bought at my alumni's bookstore over Homecoming Weekend was a size small. Last year at Homecoming, I was so excited that I was wearing extra large. What a difference a year makes huh?
On a more serious note: Since I am trying to maintain my weight now, I've pretty much not been paying attention to carbs. Here is the situation though...I am getting way too many SIMPLE carbs. I worry about really crappy habits forming. There will be a day when my DS doesn't malabsorb to the extent that it does now.
One change that I am going to start this weekend is introducing toast (with peanut butter) into my daily routine. (Much better than the cookies, etc that have been in my daily routine the past two weeks.) The other item I had thought of adding was a banana a day. (Still not sure about this one yet.) I just don't want old habits to creep back with a vengeance. One thing I am holding strong to is the no Coca Cola. I know myself too well for this. It is stronger than crack, and I would be an addict again after the first sip.
I'm going to write a post about Ben tonight. I have a lot to process (in a good way) about him, and I want to share.
Time to get ready and get some STARBUCKS!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I have made it clear to my students that they need to get a fruit, protein, vegetable, and grain as they go through the lunch line. (Keep in mind that breakfast and lunch are the best meals most of my students get due to circumstances in their lives.) They still buy chips or bring in chips, gatorade, candy, and the like. Today I talked with them about how eating chips is ok, but NO ONE needs to eat chips every day. No one needs multiple cookies a day, etc. My kids were pretty into the discussion.
What really made me think was that there would be no possible way that I could have this discussion with my students when I weighed 393 pounds. I never felt I could talk with them about nutrition, because I was so overweight. I would have felt like a complete hypocrite. I could only image how much more this pressure is within the medical community, as the "norm" for what people should weigh continues to creep up.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
I am taking Thomika with me after school to go vote before we go to dinner. I want her to see how important voting is, since we have been talking about it so much at school. I am so glad to get to spend the evening with her. Pictures will be sure to follow!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
During Social Studies time, we are doing a research project on the Native Americans, and I call a group of five boys up to work with me. I plop down on the floor to be in the middle of them to start our mini-lesson. During this time, I get up 4 or 5 times to go walk around and check on the progress of the other students. I teach small groups like this at least three times a day. It hit me as I was getting up the last time to check on the class, I could not have done this two years ago. I have never been able to sit on the floor and work with a group of students. Now, it is something that I do multiple times a day. I will continue to do it, simply because I CAN. My body is not holding me back anymore. I am NOT a prisoner of it. I can use it to do the things that I desire. How liberating!!!
Makes me think of the quote by Frederick Douglass, "I didn't know I was a slave until I found out I couldn't do the things I wanted." I am no longer a slave of my body!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
At work, our librarian stopped and asked me if I had lost weight. Then, I was talking with a teacher I have known for some time, and she said, "So what are you down to now, 125?" WHAT? I was so on cloud nine that she thought I weighed that!
I was telling this to my sister and mom at dinner and my sister says, "Well you can't weigh much more than that!" When I told her I weighed 146, she kept saying how she didn't believe that at all.
I bought thermal undershirts at Target tonight. It is time to get toasty. :)
Monday, October 13, 2008
I have decided to take Thomika, one of my students out on Thursday. We are going to a very nice restaurant. I had her call today and make the reservation. Afterwards, I think we are going to hit up Incredible Daves for some grown up Chucky-Cheese time. :) Woooo Hooo! Fun pictures will certainly follow.
I spoke with my principal about my acidosis, and needing to get bloodwork done on the 24th. I hate missing on Fridays or Mondays, because it does look like you are trying to "pad" your weekend. I have always wanted (and had) great relationships with my bosses, and it is important to me for that to continue. Especially with the small possibility that Ben and I could get married, and I will want an excellent reference for applying for new positions. He was very concerned for me, and asked if I needed to take tomorrow off to go get things squared away. I said I was on meds, so that would not be necessary. It is nice to work for someone so thoughtful.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
I am also seriously considering a mission trip to Peru with the church I have been attending with Ben. I mentioned it in email to him, but decided that I am going to call him in a little bit to talk about it. Regardless of whether or not he is going to go, I am going to seriously consider going myself.
This seems so surreal, that I am reaching a point to stop losing weight. I will still probably weigh on the 26th, just to keep things in check. I thought I would be in more of a celebratory mood upon reaching goal, but right now the top things on my mind are the acidosis and getting my bloodwork back in order.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Since we saw the early show, we went to the ballroom dancing studio and danced for two hours. It was good to do that, since it has been awhile since we have been able to go.
Time to get some zzz's. I am tired.
I really wanted to get to 140, but I am at 147. I think this is where I am going to stay. After talking with my PCP, clearly my health is where I need to focus on, instead of the number on the scale. I am a scale junkie. I weigh all the time. I am really affected by the number I see. As hard as it is going to be, this is the right step for me right now. I am going to give the scale to Ben tonight to keep at his place. I am usually at his place once every week or so. Not sure if I will weigh (I know I will want to), but I will have access to it if I want it.
Edited to Add: I watched an HBO documentary called "Thin" about six months ago. It was dealing with girls who were in treatment facilities for aneroxia. One thing the clinic did was weigh them backwards so that they could not see the number. I am seriously considering having Ben check my weight for me, and not know more of the details dealing with the number. Might seem extreme for some, but I am entertaining the thought.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 9, 2008
I took one of my students out this evening, and we had a great time. I cannot wait to see what the future holds for this bright young girl.
Note my puffy blue vest, and I didn't feel like the Good Year Blimp wearing it.
I am starting to tackle some Christmas shopping. I at least want to get my familys done with so I can do Ben's family once I get back from Asheville after Thanksgiving.
Tomorrow Ben is going to come have lunch in my classroom, and then stay for a little bit to watch me teach. Yikes! I get nervous when someone I really care about is watching me! Tomorrow night we are going to a play and the Old Spaghetti Factory. Saturday we are going to see Sinbad. Sunday I plan on resting like a champion after church.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
I also got several skirts and sweater type things. I had zero winter clothes that I can wear. I got quite a bit for the money, as I bought them at Cato. Now I need some new flannel pjs, and life will be swell. Ok, I am also thinking about splurging and getting a pair of flannel lined jeans. I've always wanted them, but not been able to have them as a former fat girl.
As I was shopping the woman who was helping said some interesting things to me. She was joking about how I was taking down all her display clothes. I thought about it....display clothes are always the SMALLER sizes, because they look the best when displayed. I am wearing the display clothes! Woot! Woot! Then when I was checking out the same lady was saying how she would buy cute clothes just like me if she were as small as me.
I got to have dinner with Ben tonight. That was nice to be able to see him for a little bit.
Need some zzzz's, will write more later.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Today at Mallory's party, my uncle thought I was my sister. After he realized it was me, I thought in my head...."I'm actually about 15 pounds smaller than her," but of course I didn't say that! I got several compliments on my weight/appearance. My one aunt said I had to start eating...ha ha, if she only knew! When it came time to get chili, she said, "You are getting in front of me, so I can make sure you eat something." Funny.
At Scale Junkie, she talks about there being 87 days left of this year. She gave herself 8 free days, and the rest of the days, she wants to stick to her plan. I really like the thinking behind that. Here are my for sure free days:
One Day While in Seattle
New Years Eve
2 Floating Days
It is nice thinking you have some planned free eating days. I know some people who stick to their plan for six days, then whatever they wanted on the seventh day. This is too much freedom for me right now. More on this later.
Friday, October 3, 2008
I'm off to eastern Kentucky. :)
Thursday, October 2, 2008
In two weeks after that, I will be going to my undergrad's Homecoming weekend. Wooo Hooo! I went with Penny and Mandi last year, and had a great time. Looking forward to doing this again.
Election weekend, I am going to Seattle and we are going up to British Colombia as well. We leave on Saturday and come back late Tuesday night. I still need to pick out what I want to see while we are up there. I always like going places with a "must see" list, and a "might be nice to see" list. I am such a nerd.
Then there is the week of Thanksgiving, I will be with Ben and his family at the Biltmore Gardens in Ashville, North Carolina. I am probably most excited about this one, as I think Ashville is one of the most gorgeous places to be in the world! I know we are doing a carriage ride around the estate. I hope the estate is decorated for Christmas. I have been twice, but never seen all the lovely Christmas decor. This should be a great time for R&R as well, since Ben will be busy studying for his finals the following week.
I try not to "live" for holidays, but man I do quite enjoy them!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
I know that my sister is very jealous of me. It might sound selfish, but right now I don't care. I am probably 15 pounds lighter than her, but she got 21 years of being the smaller sister. It is my turn!
I'll probably look back on this post in a year and think it was petty. Right now it is how I feel.