Tuesday, September 30, 2008
These two conferences have left me with a lot to chew on. Instead of trying several things ineffectively, I am going to pick TWO things that I am going to work on implementing. Two things are manageable. Little changes make big changes over time, just like losing weight. Adding up a pound here, a pound there, sooner or later it is a whole lot of weight lost!
I think I am going to see Sinbad at a local standup comedy club. I am very excited about that. He is someone I have wanted to see perform live for many years.
Outside of that, nothing new is going on. Weight is the same. Ben and I are doing well.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Hello, do you know me?If you don't, you should.
I'm a pound of fat,And I'm the HAPPIEST pound of fat that you would ever want to meet.
Want to know why?
It's because no one ever wants to lose me;I'm ONLY ONE POUND, just a pound!
Everyone wants to lose three pounds, five pounds, or fifteen pounds, but never only one.
So I just stick around and happily keep you fat.
Then I add to myself, ever so slyly, so that you never seem to notice it.
That is, until I've grown to ten, twenty, thirty or even more pounds in weight.
Yes, it's fun being ONLY ONE POUND OF FAT, left to do as I please.
So, when you weigh in, keep right on saying, "Oh, I only lost one pound."(As if that were such a terrible thing.)
For you see, if you do this, you'll encourage others to keep me around because they'll think I'm not worth losing.
And, I love being around you - your arms, your legs, your chin, your hips and every part of you. Happy Days!!!
After all, I'm ONLY ONE POUND OF FAT!!!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Ben continued to shower me with compliments again tonight. He said I looked good before, but now I have absolutely no fat on my body. (Little does he know!) He has been rubbing my stomach lately. I really like it when he does that. :)
I posted on OH about my 18 months progress. There were several people who said I needed to get the size 6 jeans! Woooo Hoooo!!! Maybe a trip to Target is in order this Sunday.
Month 2: 22 lbs
Month 3: 22.6 lbs
Month 4: 18 lbs
Month 5: 21 lbs
Month 6: 11.4 lbs
Month 7: 17.8 lbs
Month 8: 12.8 lbs
Month 9: 17 lbs
Month 10: 10 lbs
Month 11: 5 lbs
Month 13: 10 lbs
Month 14: 10 lbs
Month 16: 6 lbs
Month 17: 8 lbs
Month 18: 7 lbs
Grand Total: 246.6 lbs
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I am elated at the progress I have made. I am so happy that I don't wear a size 36W pair of pants anymore. Other things I am happy about .... that I don't fear breaking chairs when I sit down, I look normal out in public, I won't die of health related causes before the age of forty, I can shop for clothes at normal stores, the list can go on and on.
In other news, I am really loving my class. I work in a very tough school, and things are very challenging, but I have fallen in love with my students. I am committed to helping them succeed and have a better self-image. I will be out of work Friday, Monday, and Tuesday because I will be at a conference.
Things are going well with Ben and I. Today we have dated for four months. I am looking forward to seeing him tomorrow evening. On Saturday, I have to watch the boys, so we will be discussing our books via phone, and then we will be together Sunday for church. I had told Ben a while back that I would love for him to come have lunch with my class. He offered to come this Friday, but since I will be at a conference, that won't work. I look forward to him visiting and getting to know my students.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Written by: Michael Levine, Ph.D., and Linda Smolak, Ph.D.
Taking care of your body and doing things you enjoy will enable you to enjoy a happy, participatory life.
Twice a day, everyday, I will ask myself: "Am I benefiting from focusing on what I believe are the flaws in my body weight or shape?"
I will think of three reasons why it is ridiculous for me to believe that thinner people are happier or "better." I will repeat these reasons to myself whenever I feel the urge to compare my body shape to someone else`s.
I will spend less and less time in front of mirrors--especially when they are making me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious about my body.
I will exercise for the joy of feeling my body move and grow stronger. I will not exercise simply to lose weight, purge fat from my body, or to "make-up for" calories I have eaten.
I will participate in activities that I enjoy, even if they call attention to my weight and shape. I will constantly remind myself that I deserve to do things I enjoy, like dancing, swimming, etc., no matter what my shape or size!
I will refuse to wear clothes that are uncomfortable or that I do not like but wear simply because they divert attention from my weight or shape. I will wear clothes that are comfortable and that make me feel comfortable in my body.
I will list 5-10 good qualities that I have, such as understanding, intelligence, or creativity. I will repeat these to myself whenever I start to feel bad about my body.
I will practice taking people seriously for what they say, feel, and do, not for how slender, or "well put together" they appear.
I will surround myself with people and things that make me feel good about myself and my abilities. When I am around people and things that support me and make me feel good, I will be less likely to base my self-esteem on the way my body looks.
I will treat my body with respect and kindness. I will feed it, keep it active, and listen to its needs. I will remember that my body is the vehicle that will carry me to my dreams!
I will choose to take care of myself and my body!
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
1 . the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched
2. ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity or the like.
I have resilience. Small acts each day will show that I do. I can overcome living in a prison of fat for all my life.
How have I spent my week?
* Watching Season One and starting Season Two of 24. I'm hooked.
* Working out (Go Me!)
* Spent a bit of time with my mom
* Went to the nursing home with Ben
* Cleaning out my closet, gathering things to go to Goodwill and to my friend Vicki
* Watched the end of Season 2 of Avatar with Ben
Have I done anything else that would classify as productive? NO
This afternoon, I am going to work on organizing some books for my classroom library. That will at least make me feel productive. I brought home a few things to work on, but the majority of what I need is at school.
Ok, back to my weekend. Ben had suggested we start watching Season 3 of Avatar. I am really into this series, but mentally I cannot handle another night of sitting at home. I have to be out and do something. He laughed, and said that he understood. We are going to the Gas Light Festival's Balloon Glow tonight. It is really pretty seeing about 25-30 hot air balloons all lit up. Then, we can go for a walk and have dinner.
Tomorrow, my church has a service in the park. This is always such an awesome service. Afterwards there will be a picnic/games in the park. One of the things I know we will have are those bouncy things. I've always been too fat to bounce in those. If there is a way a few of my friends and I can get in one, I am going to be all about doing that too! I have invited Ben to attend, but he may not be able to because of studying obligations. If he is busy, afterwards, I'm hoping to go with a group of my friends to hang out on Bardstown Road. :)
Sunday will be church....and I'm not acting, just doing the normal crowd control with the kids. It was so nerve racking getting ready to act last Sunday. After church we are going to lunch, then to see "43 Plays for 43 Presidents."
Sunday evening, I was supposed to go to my parents for a birthday celebration for my brother and sister. I have been growing a backbone though. A few weeks ago, we were planning when to celebrate their birthday. I expressed to both of them that I wanted to see this play, and I was going to make arrangements on whether to see the afternoon or evening performance based on when they wanted to get together. They decided to get together in the evening, so I made the reservations for the play in the afternoon. Well, on Thursday my sister decides to change the plans of when we are getting together. Of course, there is no good reason for it, it just suits her schedule better. In the years past, I've always been the one to be completely flexible and accommodating, but I made plans around what was supposed to work for them. I told them I would not be at the get together, because of my plans. This may seem somewhat selfish, but after years of always bending, it is ok not to always bend.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Pasta Queen talks about her resolve not to go up to the next size. She says if she has to have the material cut into her clothing to remind her not to eat another serving of ______, then so be it. Ignoring warning signs is what contributed to me getting up to 393.6 pounds, and now that I have been given this second chance, there is no way in the world I am going to even creep back in that direction.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
To make matters better, I weighed in at 147 this morning. This is the time of the month where I typically do lose, so I am pumped! I did have over 200 grams of protein yesterday (about 130 from three shakes, the rest came from food). I am now down six pounds for the month!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
This post is on PROTEIN DRINKS! :) I love protein drinks. They make me smile. I'm so thankful we are at the point of time we are now in, instead of twenty years earlier when options were so much more limited. The truth is, if you will seek out a quality protein drink, there is SOMETHING out there that you can tolerate, and most likely you will find one that you absolutely love.
Champion Whey's Banana Scream and Chocolate are my absolute favorites. If you watch around several different nutritional websites you can find them on sale typically. They are a much higher quality than other protein drinks. I also love Syntax's Nectar drinks. A new drink I love is Click Mocha Expresso Protein drinks. At first I found these drinks to be a bit pricey, but once I compared them to my Starbucks drink, they really are not that bad.
So why all the blabbering about protein drinks? I have upped my protein drinks to three a day. I was doing one a day. I am still eating quite a bit of protein, but drinking extra protein has truly made a difference in my energy level.
School has already been called off for tomorrow as well. The coolest thing is that we might not even have to make these days up, because they are most likely going to fall under a "natural disaster" category, which means they will be forgiven.
I have lost 98.3% of my excess weight.
I am four pounds from goal.
I am thinking about going all the way. I would like to get to 130 pounds. I know that adds more on the weight that I have to lose, but I have come so far, and see no reason not to go all the way. I've not made up my mind 100% yet, but it is a thought that I am entertaining.
I was studying the picture of us together on Saturday. She told me she weighs 123 pounds. I was 151 on Saturday. It is hard to believe I weigh nearly what she weighs. My body structure will always be different until I have plastics, but still! Sweet sweet victory! :)
I am pinching myself realizing that I truly am in the home stretch. I am almost to maintenance mode. I had so much to lose that I thought this day would never come. It has arrived!
I feel like those old Superbowl Commercials...."What are you going to do now that you have lost 244 pounds? I am going to Disney World!"
Of course, Ben commented at Denny's yesterday how he thinks it is so cool I can eat certain things and lose weight (I was having eggs, bacon, sausage, and hashbrowns then). I can't wait to tell him today it must have been the Grand Slam at Dennys that caused my weight drop! :)
Monday, September 15, 2008
I used to think this was a bunch of crap, now I don't. I am 151 pounds, and I can wear a size six in most clothes now. My sister weighs 160, and wears a size 10. She has never been obese. Yeah, this is just one example, but it works for me. :) Last night, before going to my parent's house, we stopped by my sister's place to make sure they didn't need anything. Once we got back into the car, Ben said, "I know one of your goals was to be smaller than your sister. I just wanted you to know that I can tell a noticable difference in size between the two of you."
I have also decided that I'm going to get a Henna tattoo on my foot. It is something I've always wanted to do.
After church, Ben and I went to eat. The wind was blowing like crazy. The lights flickered while we were at lunch, but nothing big. I decided to take a nap at Ben's place, because I hate when I feel like I am not in control of my car. (When I feel like the wind is blowing so hard, I lose my ability to control it.) By around 3 in the afternoon, they had already cancelled school for Monday.
The power goes out at Ben's, and pretty much over most of the city. That night, we end up eating dinner in the seminary cafeteria. It was very crowded, as most people did not have power, nor were hardly any restaurants open. We decided to go to my parent's house and spend the night since they had electricity.
Today, we came back into town, had breakfast at Dennys, then I took a nice long nap again. :) I came back home, and I have electricity. My friend Wendy gave me Season One and Two of "24" to watch. I am hoping to finish season one between tonight and tomorrow. I am going to do some major cleaning as well.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I let him go first. I didn't think the question would turn into some huge pouring out of my feelings since having weight loss surgery, but it did. I told him that I was still figuring out who I was, since I no longer had the fat to hide behind. He knows some of the mental things I go through, but I gave him several examples of things that had happened this week and even that day to help him see where I was coming from.
Ben, once again, was so understanding and loving. He let me cry on his shoulder. He said that when he looked at my before pictures, he did not see a fat person. He saw me "wearing the fat." He went on to explain further, and told me that the fat did not define me. I said I appreciated his thoughts, but I had to differ. Being fat has defined me for many many years. I gave him the example of someone who was raised very poor. I said while they may grow up and become wealthy, there are still many things that make them who they are based on how they were raised. He did agree with my analogy.
One thing I know I have to do is call the eating disorders counselor. There is a ton of mental stuff I need help with. I keep thinking that things will get easier over time, as I lose more weight, but that is not happening. I can't spend the rest of my life with these thoughts. Ben offered to go with me to see the counselor. I think that might be a good thing for him to go with me to a few sessions, so he can hear her perspective on how to help me get better.
Ok...now it is time to get ready. I have a skit to act in this morning! Wooo Hooo!!! :)
Saturday, September 13, 2008
The new book I am reading is called "Thin is the New Happy," by Valerie Frankel. It is a memoir about her lifelong struggle with her weight. It is interesting thusfar.
I got a dozen roses last night from by beloved! He got them in honor of me finishing up my four weeks from Hades. :) At dinner last night, he says, "I don't mean to keep focusing on it, but you are so small. You are thin now. You know that right?" It is so weird hearing those words, but wow, I loved it.
Friday, September 12, 2008
He did not bring up anything about time spent together, etc only that he needed to study more. Just in reflecting about everything this morning, I'm ok with us not spending every waking moment together on the weekend.
Although, I am delighted that he will be here in a few minutes to spend some time with me this evening! In the morning it is the Family Fun and Fitness Walk! :)
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I don't want this cartoon to end up being my weight loss story:
This statement is so true. It is easy to not look at the long term effects of making a certain choice. I have stated before that I becase SSMO because of a series of small ineffective choices. No one choice ballooned me up to 393.6 pounds overnight, but continually having what I wanted "in the now" affected me.
On an unrelated note...
sometimes I forget just how much my students have been forced to grow up so much faster than their peers in other areas. I was talking with a therapist that works in our building today, and he was checking in on a student. This student had witnessed an armed robbery at the beginning of May.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Off to work now...picking up the pieces after having a substitute is always fun. We have Open House this evening, and I hope to meet some of the parents I have not seen yet.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Going back to bed.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
I took some pants back to try on. A pair of size 8 jeans fit me very nicely. Then, I tried on the size 6 pair of dress pants, and they FIT! They looked NICE on me. This is my first size six pair of pants! Wooo Hooo!!! I remember asking my mom to hem size 22 pants from Target last November.
Later on that morning, I tried on several pairs of size 6 jeans, and they are certainly within my grasp of reaching soon.
When I started this process, I was hoping to get out of Lane Bryant jeans and buying pants off the internet. Things have evolved so much more than that. I never before thought that I would be in the place that I am right now.
I sometimes wish that we lived in a society where numbers were not so important, but they indeed are. This new number is important in my life because I have never achieved it before, and I have worked hard to attain it.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
I still cannot express the relief I feel knowing that Ben knows about my surgery and weight loss efforts. He continues to say words of affirmation and love. Words that I need to hear from someone that I love deeply. I don't take compliments that easy, but when I hear these words from Ben, I know that they are coming from his heart.
I sat in his lap last night, and again I was worried about hurting him. I asked him a few times, to which he reassured me that I was not. He reminded me that I see myself as much much larger than I really am.
I really want to get get to the point where others are so accustomed to seeing me like I am now, that they have forgotten how big I used to be. Not because I am ashamed of where I've been, but somehow I think it will help with my mindset.
Today is going to be a full day, but a great one. I am going to go shopping for some fall/winter clothing, go to the nursing home with Ben, then I am watching the boys this evening. While I am at the boys, my friend Sam may be stopping in.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
It felt so good to be able to sit on his lap. Although my mind was working against me for some time, I was too busy enjoying kissing to pay much attention. Trust me, there will be more of sitting in Ben's lap in the very near future!
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
"I'm very proud of all that I have accomplished, but I don't want to be waving my fat pants around 20 years from now and saying it's the only thing I've accomplished. It is time to evolve."
I can relate to Pasta Queen's quote. My dad was saying to me the other day how I should be about done with all my big goals, etc. I said yes I am, now it is time to dream up another list. Yes, some of them will still directly relate to my weight loss, but others I just want to continue to live my life to the fullest. I love the concept of evolving.
My school is a "Health Promotions School of Excellence," which I don't mind, and actually am happy that we have that emphasis. Here is the kicker....at this school TEACHERS have to weigh the students. WHAT? I remember the trauma of being weighed when I was younger, and I don't want to be the person inflicting it. Do I have the students step backwards on the scale, as not to diminish their self esteem? Do I raise a fuss, and not do it at all? I am so confused here.