Conversation

Last night Ben and I were doing our "101 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married" book. The question was, "How are you different now that you were before this relationship? What was your life like before this relationship?"

I let him go first. I didn't think the question would turn into some huge pouring out of my feelings since having weight loss surgery, but it did. I told him that I was still figuring out who I was, since I no longer had the fat to hide behind. He knows some of the mental things I go through, but I gave him several examples of things that had happened this week and even that day to help him see where I was coming from.

Ben, once again, was so understanding and loving. He let me cry on his shoulder. He said that when he looked at my before pictures, he did not see a fat person. He saw me "wearing the fat." He went on to explain further, and told me that the fat did not define me. I said I appreciated his thoughts, but I had to differ. Being fat has defined me for many many years. I gave him the example of someone who was raised very poor. I said while they may grow up and become wealthy, there are still many things that make them who they are based on how they were raised. He did agree with my analogy.

One thing I know I have to do is call the eating disorders counselor. There is a ton of mental stuff I need help with. I keep thinking that things will get easier over time, as I lose more weight, but that is not happening. I can't spend the rest of my life with these thoughts. Ben offered to go with me to see the counselor. I think that might be a good thing for him to go with me to a few sessions, so he can hear her perspective on how to help me get better.

Ok...now it is time to get ready. I have a skit to act in this morning! Wooo Hooo!!! :)

Date Night

Ben and I went bowling after I got out of work yesterday. I scored a 44. Way to go me!!! :)

I still cannot express the relief I feel knowing that Ben knows about my surgery and weight loss efforts. He continues to say words of affirmation and love. Words that I need to hear from someone that I love deeply. I don't take compliments that easy, but when I hear these words from Ben, I know that they are coming from his heart.

I sat in his lap last night, and again I was worried about hurting him. I asked him a few times, to which he reassured me that I was not. He reminded me that I see myself as much much larger than I really am.

I really want to get get to the point where others are so accustomed to seeing me like I am now, that they have forgotten how big I used to be. Not because I am ashamed of where I've been, but somehow I think it will help with my mindset.

Today is going to be a full day, but a great one. I am going to go shopping for some fall/winter clothing, go to the nursing home with Ben, then I am watching the boys this evening. While I am at the boys, my friend Sam may be stopping in.