Saturday, January 31, 2009
We came back to my place and were goofing around on youtube, when I decided that it was time. Time to take the next step. I have yet to wear a t-shirt that showed my arms because I was embarrassed. I told him that I wanted to change into a shirt so he could see my arms. We have discussed the subject of me having excess skin, so it wasn't coming as a complete surprise. I told him this was a really big thing for me, even though he already knew it was.
I took a deep breath and came back out with a short sleeve shirt. He greeted me with love. He kissed both of my arms. He told me that my arms were pretty, and that I had nothing to worry about. I was sitting in his lap when he was telling me these things. I leaned up against his chest and I sobbed for a little bit. He just wrapped his arms around me really tight and held me. After I quit crying, I told him that I just wanted to be attractive to him, and I struggled because there are parts of me that I cannot change. He pulled me up so I could look him in the eyes. He told me that he loved all of me, even the parts that I wasn't sure that I loved about myself.
Another piece of me began to heal tonight. Hearing words of affirmation from the man that I love helped in this process. In part knowing that he loves me so fully allows me to love myself just a little bit more.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Today we are going to the Frazier Museum, out to dinner, and then to ballroom dance. The Frazier Museum has free admission today, so we are heading over to see the Sherlock Holmes exhibit along with a few others. I am hoping to take some fun pictures there. :) I was telling Ben how kids cannot have any fun at museums these days. I remember when I was younger being able to get inside an exhibit and pose for pictures, etc. Now, they have motion sensors if you even get too close to them. :(
After the museum, we are going to dinner then out to ballroom dance. It has been some time since we've gone dancing. Really, it has mainly been my fault because I have "booked" us for so many other things. I do enjoy ballroom dancing, but my preference is to do it on a Saturday night. After working all week, going dancing on a Friday night is not what I want to do. I want an activity where I can somewhat relax. I've told Ben this, and he is cool with it. Since I've been off for four days, I think I can handle it. ;)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
So what am I eating at 22 months post-op? I thought this would be a good thing for people to know so they can see how things progress throught the DS WLS journey.
- nuts (almost any kind of nuts)
- peanut butter
- pork and beans with hot dogs
- chicken and tuna salad (with lots of mayo)
- homemade meat pizzas (with low-carb tortillas)
- low carb toast with lots of peanut butter or cream cheese
- cheese sticks
- some protein bars
- sugar free Dove Dark Chocolate Mint Flavored
- I'm experimenting with some whole wheat pastas, but typically I get tons of meat sauce on it, and it is more soupy, and I only eat about 1/4 of the pasta.
- cold cuts of meat rolled up and dipped in veggie dip
- Carb Control (Kroger brand) yogurt
- Starbucks breve lattes (sugar-free)
- protein drinks with Calorie Countdown milk (there ARE good protein drinks out there)
- sugar-free Tang, Hawaiian Punch, and apple cider
- NO SODA OF ANY KIND
- I have lost 253 pounds.
- I have so much more energy than I used to have.
- I can climb steps without heaving from being out of breath.
- I do a good job at getting my protein in first.
- I have completely kicked my heavy Coca-Cola habit. I drink water all the time. (I'm just as proud of this as losing 253 pounds. This addiction was severe!)
- I have done things that I would have never been able to do as SSMO: horseback riding, skydiving, hot air ballooning, and the Euro Bungee. (I am going to do zip lining too.)
- I can run. I am not currently running due to some restrictions of my PCP, but I am able to run. This was a miracle for me.
- I feel more confident when I am around people these days.
- I am engaged to a man I love deeply.
- I am encouraged about what the future has in store for me. (I had certainly reached a "low" point prior to having my WLS, wondering how much longer I could push myself in my almost 400 pound body.)
What good things do you have going on in your life? Thank you so much Scale Junkie for this idea!
I had Ben come rescue me last night from the house. Being cooped up for 48 hour straight is a LONG time.
I had him take my pictures for this month. I noticed one thing in particular when I was looking at these pictures. I am always worried that I have a really large backside. It is the former fat girl in me, because I used to have an enormous backside. In looking at the last picture, I really don't have a huge backside anymore. This is something that I cannot see objectively when looking at myself in a mirror, but in this picture it is visible, and I am thankful that I can notice it in it.
The other thing that I like is that I have a very defined face. I have a jawline. I have cheekbones. These are features that I never had before. I learned from by beauty consultation that I have a very triangular face. I just like that it doesn't look like a blob that blends right into my neck. Definition is good.
School was called off for the rest of the week here. I have been fortunate not to have the power go out yet, but judging by the way some of the power lines are leaning and covered with ice. I feel the power outage is not quite over yet. Going to go snuggle back under my electric blanket.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
As I am looking at the sizes now, they only go to size 26. I find this very unfair. Had this been my sister's wedding this year, would I have not been able to be in the bridal party because of my former size?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
When will my brain catch up to my body?
I have successfully kept my weight around the same number for several months now. There is just a bigger pressure to do so now, since I have a wedding dress that cannot be returned.
Last night I went to the grocery store...just in case. I bought a few things since I was already running low on many items. (Sorry, no stereotypical bread and milk for the storm!) There was a woman there who was SSMO. She was in a motorized wheelchair, and extremely large. I caught myself staring a few times, even though specifically trying not to stare. However, I was staring for a different reason than most. I kept thinking to myself, how long before I would have been that woman? The question was so haunting, because it hit so close to home.
Well, going to go back to bed here. I'll post more later. I'll get a picture taken this weekend when we go see Wicked to put up for 22 months post-op.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I have about six different numbers to call tomorrow related to the wedding. If I am able to make the progress I would like, we will really have things on a roll as far as moving from planning to definite decisions being made. The biggest thing I am ready to be able to announce is that I have a date for getting married! (That is the very first call.) There is a chance of a winter storm advisory tomorrow night, if we are out of school on Tuesday that would tremendously help with the number of calls that I need to make this week, not to mention getting me out of a meeting that lasts until 7pm Tuesday night.
Tomorrow is my 22 months post-op anniversary. Perhaps I will have some thoughts about it later. Night!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Back at the beginning of October, I tried on a size 8 wedding dress, and it zipped about half the way up. My friend Mandi remembered that her sister-in-law had to have the dress taken in on the sides.
The whole sizing thing still weirds me out. I put on a pair of jeans the other day that I had not worn since I went to Seattle in Novemeber, and was amazed that they still fit. Why? My weight had not changed hardly at all since then. Then, I realized I was thinking with my fat girl mind. I hit a progression for about 10 years where all I did was increase in size. (There was one brief period where I lost 40 pounds.) The pants would get tighter and tighter until finally I had to purchase the next size. It is a new way of thinking that I might actually get tired of an item of clothing long before I actually wear out the material.
I forgot to mention one thing that the style consultant mentioned to me yesterday. We were talking about body types, and the proper clothing to wear with your type. She mentioned that one of the biggest mistakes people who wear plus size clothing make is to wear a lot of prints and patterns. This lady was so nice. It was clear that she had never been a plus sized person herself. I wanted to say to her that it would be nice if the fashion industry had given us a choice. So often, I dressed by what I could "fit into" not what I saw as cute and fashionable.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Today after school I went for my "Signature Look" consultation at Z Spa and Salon. My friend Cheryl gave it to me for reaching my weight loss goals. I was very pleasantly surprised about the consult. She told me many basic things about my appearance, and I'm ready to make some changes. I go for the big makeover on February 6th.
Ben comes back from Mayo tomorrow. We are going to see A Chorus Line and out to dinner.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
1. I climbed in to my seat from the passenger side of the car today. (Read the previous post to know why!)
2. I sat with two kids in a seat on a school bus today. There was actually room for me on the seat. I always had a seat to myself on school field trips in the past.
3. I didn't have to turn sideways to get down the isle of the bus.
4. I got up and walked through a group of students in their seats in an auditorium.
I'm hitting the hay. Hope you have had a good one!
I was just reading a Weight Watcher Maintaining Blog, and was looking through this woman's pictures. I was thinking, "Wow, she really looks great." I get to one picture and it says, "Yes, those are size 10 jeans." (Getting to a size 10 is awesome!) Up until that picture, I didn't see myself as smaller than this woman. It is not about a contest, but it is about how I really see myself when I look in the mirror.
Over at Refuse to Regain, she was talking about the negative self talk. Even though she has successfully maintained her weight for some time, it still surfaces. She said it has decreased. I hope that mine decreases. It often runs in the "ever present" mode in my mind.
I've been thinking about what Ben and I can do for Valentine's Day. I saw something very promising yesterday, but when I went to the website last night it was sold out. I'll keep searching, I want us to do something really special.
My car did the same thing yesterday where the door would not shut. I tried unsticking it, but with no luck. I had the brilliant idea to hold the door shut and start driving towards work. This did not work out so well. I pulled into a service station, and the guy helped me out. He got my door to shut thankfully. Today, I am going to crawl into the driver's seat from the passenger side, to avoid opening the door altogether. (Can I get a thank you for the DS? Seriously, my 393 pound body could not have crawled over ANYTHING.)
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Right now, we are looking at towards the end of July to get married. It is a strong possibility that we will be getting married in my home church. Ben and I will fill out the application on Sunday, and submit it on Monday. We would like to have a Saturday afternoon wedding to avoid being so tired, but we will see what is available.
I have two leads on places to have the reception, which I will be calling about today. Making phone calls is another difficult thing to do right now. I have forty minutes each day that I can make calls in which people would be in the office for business hours. This is not helpful at chipping away at the mountain of things that need to get done. I have a feeling my parents and Ben will be making quite a few phone calls for me.
My sister wants me to go to a bridal fair on Sunday afternoon. It is not that I'm not interested, it is just that I have so much to do. When I go there, I'm going to realize just how much MORE I need to do. Not sure if I can handle that knowledge right now!
My kids loved the story of Ben and I getting engaged. He told it to them while they were eating cupcakes yesterday during lunch. I am hopeful that quite a few of them can come to my wedding. Tomorrow is the worst field trip of the year: The Louisville Orchestra. The Orchestra itself is not bad, but how the trip is ran is mismanaged. It always makes for a "fun" morning. When I taught at another school, we always drew straws for who got to "stay behind" and watch the bad kids. Too bad that is not an option here, or I'd certainly jump at the chance!
One last thing: I am so over FROST. I can handle the cold for a bit longer, but I'm tired of cleaning off my car each morning and having to warm it up forever.
I didn't set out for this post to be a complaining one. I guess I had a lot to get off my chest. I'm not really in bad mood or anything. Enjoy the day!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I was hopeful that I could make contacts at our top three locations for the wedding, to find out their date availabilities and prices. All three places were closed due to the holiday, so there really wasn't much else that I could do until after I have a location and date secured. I spent a decent bit of the day napping.
Monday afternoon we went to the other nursing home that Ben preaches at so they could all see my ring. Afterwards, we had dinner at the Spaghetti Factory, then to see "The Tens." The Tens was 10 ten minute plays. They were very interesting. I was discussing our upcoming schedule afterwards, and we have four plays we are going to see in the next three weeks or so. Good times.
Today I am very excited. Ben is coming to my school at lunch time to celebrate our engagement with my class. We got cupcakes for them. I'll be taking a few pictures as well.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Here are the details of my day....
We started off at 10:30 to begin the day of important places in our relationship. We went to places that were firsts in our relationship...where we first had dinner (The Olive Garden), the dance studio, the park bench we used to always go to on the seminary campus.
We get to the last place, and Ben asks...."Do you remember this place?" I said, "No." He said, "You will." At that time, four people (two girls and two guys) step out and start to sing the song that Ben wrote for my proposal. The song is sung to the tune of the hymn "Love Lifted Me"....
To his final day he years with you to go!
Come, Tiffany! Ben's helpmate be!
Come, Tiffany! Answer this plea!
Merely take this ring and your'll be the last adored!
Ben has made his jubilee subject to what you say!
He your husband wants to be! Be his today!
Wed your precious life to his, Nuptually!
Saturday, January 17, 2009
I spent most of my life avoiding the mirror. I looked like a blob, and looking in the mirror just confirmed this. Only in the past year have I really started to look at myself, and I began the process of starting to appear normal. Some days, like today, I look at myself and I am completely shocked. I like not sticking out anymore in terms of physical appearance.
The mental part of this journey has been fierce, and I know there are many battles ahead. I am going to keep plugging away day by day.
Things on the weight front are going well. I don't post about it much, because I am really at a status quo with it. I go up and down the same two pounds. What amazes me is how much food I eat in order to maintain this weight. I seriously eat all day long. I am eating quite a bit of carbs right now, but I know that will change as time passes. I start by getting more from complex carbs, but I do get quite a bit from sugary things too. For right now, it is helping me to maintain my current weight.
I've told Ben that to me the smartest thing I am doing is not getting my carbs from soda. I know that some DSers will go to sugary drinks in order to up the carbs. Who can blame them when you are really having to pile on the carbs to keep your weight up, or to try to keep from having to take liver enzymes? My thing is I know that sugar soda (Coca-Cola) is deadly for me. I have thought many times fondly of going back to that stuff. I am almost two years free of it, and know that I cannot go back. If I started it back now, I am certain it would be almost impossible to quit when the "free ride" with carbs comes to a screeching halt.
Ok, the purpose of me getting up early was to actually put forth more effort in making myself presentable today since Ben has a huge special day planned for us. Off I go....
I am so cold it is insane. I wore long johns under my jeans to work. Thankfully, I can actually control the temperature in my classroom. (In previous years, I had a thermostat on the wall that was purely an illusion of control.) I know a few of my students think our room is really warm, but I have to keep the temperature bumped up to help me stay warm. This is even with dressing in layers. I know I used to get cold when I was fat, but seriously, I never got this achy chilled to the bone cold that I get now. I guess that is a price to pay in order to be healthy and at a normal body weight.
I read on a blog about a woman who was attending a morning swim class, and there was a lady there with really wrinkled skin. She knew that the woman had most likely had WLS. She was talking about how comfortable she was in her own body. I would like to get to that point. The point where I could feel ok about being out in public without making sure every bit of sagging skin was perfectly covered up.
Tomorrow Ben has a special day planned for us to go out and visit the different spots that were significant in our relationship. It starts at 10:30 in the morning. I am going to get off here and get some rest. I am actually going to put on some makeup and maybe try to at least get my hair to turn under (my hair doesn't curl at all...typically poker straight).
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Cannot tell you how excited I am about seeing Bill Cosby on Friday night. It is going to be AWESOME!
Off to BED!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
I have so much work to do at the GED it is not funny. Long story short, there is a SLEW of paperwork that I didn't know about, and it has not been done since last JULY (when I took this position over). I spoke with the director this afternoon telling her that I was not aware of this, or otherwise it would have been done. I am very particular about always having my paperwork in on time. I am the type of person where the ship will not sink while I am in charge.
In the morning I am starting a 6:30 bible study. I'll be going to it for the next 10 Tuesday mornings. I am excited about this opportunity to build some good friendships with other Christian ladies. I am happy to find a bible study that fits with my schedule too.
I was reading on DietGirl's blog about how she has set an "internet curfew" for herself in the new year. I really think this is something I am going to need to consider for myself. If I am up later, it is because of the internet almost always. Lots of times I am doing good things, reading great blogs about maintaining weight loss, healthy lifestyles, etc. Yet, these are not essential things, and are cutting into much needed rest. I'll update later about what I decide on this internet curfew concept.
I get to have dinner with my sweetie tomorrow night! Oh Yeah!
Sunday, January 11, 2009
I added purple cauliflower to it! YUM! (No flavor difference, but sure made for a nice color.)
Shrimp, Tortellini and Spinach:
Last night was a good time with the DS group. Ben got to meet other DSers, and I'm so thrilled that our group is growing! Ben and I came back to the house and watched a movie.
My dad and Ben enjoyed the lunch. Cooking like this is EXPENSIVE. I am not used to this. The Kraft website has some budget recipes that I want to check into, as well as a "5 meals 1 bag" recipes for things to get for the entire week. It even comes with a handy checklist to take to the grocery. Again, I'm starting at the ground up here, so I am more than willing to learn by what may seem to be so basic to others.
At the grocery store, I also bought four different types of Larabars. These are not very carb friendly, but are overall healthy (and supposed to be very filling). Since I am more in the maintaining mode, I am going to give these a try. I'll update my thoughts on them as I eat them this week.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I don't really have a lot of exciting updates to give about myself. This was my first week back to work. I feel so blessed to where I am at in my life right now.
Last night Ben and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant called Smoketown USA, which was so good. I had smoked chicken salad, and it was out of this world! I also had this yummy sweet cornbread. When we asked the owner about it, the cornbread is half cornbread mix and half cake mix. It was truly a great dessert!
Afterwards, we went to watch my students play basketball and cheerlead. We had a blast at the game. I love watching my students play sports, they are so adorable at this age!
Tonight Ben is going to meet the people from my DS support group. It feels so good that he knows everything about my weight ups and downs, yet loves me still. I really could not have asked for a better guy.
I am not giving up on cooking. I am cooking for Ben tomorrow after church! Pictures will follow!
Friday, January 9, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Here are a few new GREAT blogs I have been reading:
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Facebook has been an interesting thing the past week. I've had two friends from college, and one from high school give me the whole, "Wow, I didn't recognize you....you look amazing," response. I was about 220-230 pounds when I left high school, and around 275-280 pounds when I left college. (Gee, I really pushed that freshman fifteen huh? Guess I thought that was a YEARLY suggested weight gain.)
Today at our faculty meeting, I was sitting with some teachers that I don't normally sit by. I was talking with one of them, and said how good she looked, etc. She said how she had lost twenty pounds. I said some comment about weight, to which she replied, "but your not heavy." Words like these are still hard to sink in and really stick.
Ben and I went to eat at Outback tonight. He is in the middle of a crunch class to work towards finishing up seminary (he should graduate in December). It was good to spend a little bit of time together in the middle of the start back of the new year.
Tomorrow night I am doing a "first." I was quite the wallflower when I was huge. It was such a risk getting out and meeting people. On Halloween, I met an acquaintance of Ben's named Veronicka. It was a very brief meeting, but we seemed to hit it off. She emailed and asked if after the holidays if I would like to start hanging out some. I was pretty excited about it. She seems like a nice girl, and I am open to learning more about her. Having a friend is always good... :)
I stayed up for about two hours longer than I should have last night. I did NOTHING productive. I'm going to go to bed tonight.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
I'm a very organized person. My classroom at school is amazing to look at. I love finding new ways to be more efficient and productive. I've always been more lax at home, primarily because I don't have a zillion children running around, and I don't have mounds of paperwork to keep up with. I basically kept the problem under taps at home until this summer. I was doing a ton of trainings, and teaching GED classes (dating Ben), etc.
I'm determined to get back on the right track. I can keep my place looking nice without a lot of work. I know I let the computer sidetrack me. I was amazed at when I wrote a list down and set the timer for thirty minutes just how much I accomplished. I love "Flylady's" website, who talks a great deal about home organization/cleaning. I don't know what my system is yet, but I am developing one that will work well for me. The next two weeks are going to have a lot of heavy cleaning to get done, but then the AM and PM things for each day will be more of a "maintaining mode."
This is not a New Year's Resolution....this is something I want to do anyhow. I would never let my classroom get in the shape that I have let my home get into. Time to do something about it.
Off to bed now.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
I know that she is 67 years old. She is a breast cancer survivor. Until about the past ten years, she has weighed at the most 130 pounds. She currently weighs 170 pounds. She takes no regular medication outside of some vitamins. She has a great amount of energy, and appears to walk with great ease.
My mom is 56 years old. She has had her gallbladder removed, some thyroid problems, and a knee replacement. I know she takes quite a few prescription medications, but I'd have to call my sister to find out what they were all for. (My sister used to be a pharmacy tech.) At our Christmas celebration, we watched a home video when my siblings were 2 years old. My mom probably weighed 150 in that video. I honestly never remember my mom being that small. I know she had lost a lot of weight (roughly 50 pounds) to get to that. I always remember my mom being over two hundred pounds. My mom is getting closer to 300 pounds now. She is pre-diabetic (having to closely monitor her blood sugar.) She has very little energy. She is always complaining of her back hurting.
I've been given a second chance. While there are genetics that I cannot escape, my health story doesn't have to go the route of my mother. I want to become more like Ben's mom....eleven years older than my mom, and so much more vibrant. I cannot help but believe that not having all that weight on her up until the recent years has affected her quality of life later in life. I don't want to blow my second chance. I spent from age 9 until age 27 from the ranges of overweight to super super morbidly obese. I don't know the long term effects of that. I do feel that I got my weight off "just in time" before long term adult things started to set in.