Tonight I had a nice long three hour talk with a great friend of mine. I love talking with Andrea because I like to hear her perspective on things. I do think she is a very wise person. I was describing my sister tonight and I said, "She is 130 pounds, ....." Andrea stopped me right in my tracks. She said, "Have you ever noticed how when you describe someone you think is beautiful that you always begin with what their weight is?" Honestly, it had never even hit me until just then.
I have always had a negative body image. I can remember my mom telling me that if I didn't lose weight I was going to have to have my clothes made by Omar the Tent Maker. (My mom didn't say many bad things about my weight, but this is one comment I still vividly remember.) I guess it would be easier to feel like I am beautiful or pretty if I had ever truly been loved by a man as a heavy person. I have never felt this type of love. I secretly hope thta I will meet my true love before I have lost all my excess weight, because I want him to love me for who I am completely.
I know many times throughout this journey I will be frustrated with my body image. I've actually heard many people who have lost all their weight say that they are more concerned with their body image as a thin person than they ever were as a heavy person. Andrea reminded me tonight that I am a beautiful person. I long to hear that from a man who loves me. Old habits die hard, but I want to try to break the habit of associating weight with beauty.