Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Angry Post

which will probably be erased later (if I know what is good for me), appearing for a limited time in you Google Reader feedbox. Good thing this is written on the computer, if it were an old fashioned journal, I think it would be too tear stained for anyone to read.

My dad and I had an awful relationship when I was in junior high and high school. We had a huge blow up the summer before I went to college, and slowly over the past twelve years, things have changed to the better. A pivotal part of bridging this relationship and the healing that has come is because I became a Christian my freshman year of college. Because of the forgiveness Christ has extended to me, I in turn learned to start forgiving my father.

My point being I REALLY WORK AT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY DAD. REALLY. REALLY. REALLY. WORK. AT. IT.

So tonight he asks about what time I will come out on Wednesday. I said I was not sure, because I was having lunch with my dear friend from Germany, whom I have not gotten to see since last summer. I wanted to spend as long as possible with her, since this will be the only time I get to see her. My dad replies back with this comment, "Guess I'll see you at the wedding then." (Implying seeing me at my own wedding.) A big fight erupts from this comment. I maintain my composure, but dad doesn't. He fights so dirty when he fights. It is hard, because as a Christian, I will not fight dirty with him anymore.

What hurt the most is that I have the closest relationship to my dad of all my siblings. My brother has allowed his wife to dictate everything, so my brother doesn't see my dad much. My sister is so manipulative, that there is ALWAYS a second motive behind her visits and phone calls. Yet, I feel like I take the brunt of his frustrations simply because I will listen.

I am not a doormat anymore. I don't not let my opinion be heard. I used to just take it all in, but I'm stronger than that. I'm hurting right now, because he knows how to cut right through and make me feel not good enough. I've really had to work through some issues on being "enough" all stemming from my relationship with my dad.

"Sorrow may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning."