Updating my Goal Weight

I have really been going back and forth with deciding my goal weight. One of the biggest struggles has been just not knowing what a "normal" weight looks like. I have started asking a few close friends what they weigh, so I can get an idea of what normal looks like size wise. I have decided that my goal weight is going to be 159 pounds. That puts me at the higher end of my normal BMI range. I would be able to wear clothes that are not plus size. (Most people who are at this weight can wear an 8 or a 10.) This is also a goal weight BEFORE plastics. So eventually, I will be less, but plastics are a long way off for me for a few reasons: 1. I still have quite a bit of weight to lose. 2. I want to maintain that weight for several months before setting up plastics. 3. I will be doing plastics out of the country, and will need to save up money for them.

Since I have updated my goal weight, here are my new stats!

• I have lose 50.8% of my total excess weight.
• I have 115 pounds more to lose.
• I have lost 30.2% from my highest body weight.

THREE PEAT!!!!

I have worked out now for at least thirty minutes a day for THREE WEEKS IN A ROW!!!! I am loving my eliptical machine! It feels good to work out. I want to keep going. I am really proud of this accomplishment, especially after how crappy the scale continues to be towards me.

Not a Sigh of Relief

but progress none the less. I got on the scale this morning, and I had only gained two tenths of a pound. Since the scale has been shooting up like wildfire for NO reason at all, this was a very positive note.

I am determined not to let the man (aka the SCALE) get me down. I was reading through Tia's journey on her blog, and she has had several similar experiences like mine. No one said this weight loss trip wasn't going to have dips and potholes. I am not exempt from these.

I am really starting to like my job. I am not saying I want to stay in it forever, because I really do miss teaching students. I am learning a great deal, and getting to work with some really gifted individuals. The experiences I am gaining are invaluable. I know when I do go back in the classroom these experiences will help to mold me into an even better teacher.

Conversation with Mom

I was talking with mom the other day about how I feel like I will never find a great guy. She started asking me if I was trying to meet guys, etc. Then she started to scold me saying that if I didn't try to meet them, I wouldn't find anyone. While she has a point, I was quick to come back with my rebuttle. "You met your husband when you weighed 100 pounds. Things were a little bit different for you than they are for me."

She wanted to say something, but I really did stop her dead in her tracks. It really is a different world dating when you are morbidly obese.

Although there are days when I do get really lonely, I know that right now I need to concentrate on me now. Bringing a guy into the equation would only make things too complicated now.

Two Comments That Made My Day...

Of course the scale still sucks. It continues to defy all logic. I have twenty days left before my six month anniversary, and I want to see some POSITIVE movement.

At work, my cubbymate said something really sweet. She said, "You are really starting to get a defined waist, and it is really small. You have a nice hourglass shaped figure." The other comment came from a secretary of a building that I frequent. As I was leaving today, she stopped and asked me how much weight I had lost.

The timing of the compliments could not have been better. I am convinced that the majority of the battle is not with the actual scale, but the scary "battlefield of the mind." That is where things get really tough. This surgery is more than just losing pounds, it has to deal with the spirit and mind too.

Today at work we had a retirement party for our secretary. It was a potluck event. I got an entire plate of food, and I ate about 3/4 of it. At first this really freaked me out, then I started looking around the room at how people PILED their plates to the point where they were almost ready to break. Yes, I did have food that covered almost the entire surface area of the plate, yet it was just a spoonful of this and that, etc. Then I watched as so many people got back up and got a SECOND heaping plate. Yes, I used to be one of those people. Thank heavens that desire is gone. I no longer want that at all.

Time to go exercise.

Discouraged...

The scale sucks. Why can't I stay off that blasted thing??? Over the past three days, it has crept up SIX pounds! WHAT?!?!?! Sometimes the human body makes absolutely no sense. I could see this if I been doing all the wrong things, but I really have been doing the right things. REALLY, I HAVE!!! I have been exercising. (I did thirty-three minutes on the eliptical this evening and did the stairs (all sixty-three of them) for the second time in a row.) I have been sucking down water like there is no tomorrow. I have been low-carbing. I am getting in my protein. I am having regular bowel movements.

I know that the body can fluctuate. I started my period early last month. I am not sure how early, so I might be bloating from PMS. I could be just retaining water. Heaven only knows, perhaps I have even gained a small few ounces of muscle from exercising consistently.

I am just discouraged, because thoughts flood my head of failure. What if this is the end of the road for me? I still have a significant amount of weight that I need to lose. Not just to lose it to be a twig, but I need to lose a significant amount in order to be healthy. I have failed so many diets. I don't want to think that I have broken my DS.

I am going to keep plugging away, day by day. Hopefully the tide will turn soon. I need some encouragement ASAP.

On an unrelated note, I got to see an old friend, Cheryl today for lunch. I don't get to see her that often, but it is amazing, because she is one of those people who it was just like yesterday since I last saw her. I thank God for her friendship.

63...Is a Magic Number, Oh Yes It Is....

Sorry School House Rock, but 63 is a magic number, not 3! 63 is the number of steps from the first floor to the fourth floor where my office is. I have been eager to try taking the stairs, but scared at the same time. I am very self aware when considering doing the stairs in the morning, because there are many people who regularly take the stairs. Today, I was coming into the office late, and thought I would give it a try. I got to the third floor, and I took about a 15-20 second breather, and then finished the climb. For a girl who used to weigh 393 pounds, it felt like I had just reached the summit of Everest. Here is to more times of taking the stairs!

How Bad Do You Want It

I listened to these lyrics yesterday while working out. (Tim McGraw, "How Bad Do You Want It")

Are you hungry?

Are you thirsty?

Is it a fire that burns you up inside?

How bad do you want it?

How bad do you need it?

Are you eating, sleeping, dreaming

With that one thing on your mind?

How bad do you want it?

How bad do you need it?

Cause if you want it all

You've got to lay it all out on the line

I want to be free from the chains of obesity like nothing else. Each day I am making positive steps toward this. I pray for help to "stay the course" even when things are difficult. Nothing worth having in life comes easy.

Sometimes my lack of patience amazes me. I have been obese my entire life, and now I get so impatient wanting the scale to move. I truly think in a year or a year and a half, I will look back to some of these entries in my blog and laugh. I have been obese since I was 8-9 years old. I am ready to live a life with no chains.

A Few Pics

I had a pedicure done today. It felt fantastic!!! I am going to start having more of them done. I think my toes look cute!

My siblings and I together.

This is a picture of my brother and me.

This is a picture of my sister and me. What is significant about this picture, is that I am only 16 pounds from losing the amount she weighs. It is a very tangible way of seeing just how much I have lost.

Conversation at the Target Checkout...

As I was checking out at Target the other day, the small girl (probably 115 pounds) checking me out lifted the cat litter to scan it. Her comment was, "I don't see how you can hardly even lift this let alone carry it."

When I got out to the car, I looked to see how many pounds it weighed. The cat litter weighed 20 pounds. I started to think to myself, I have lost the equivalent of SIX of those cat litter containers! It is amazing to think of the toll that was putting on my body. WOW!

On the Biggest Loser (a show I DO NOT endorse, but do watch from time to time), after the contestants had lost a good bit of weight, they had them put on weighted suits so they would weigh what they weighed at the beginning of the show. They made them do some running and other exercises. It was amazing watching what a toll this took on their body.