Body Image Issues...Brain Operation Needed....

The scale says I weigh 215, but I don't feel it myself. When I look in the mirror I still see my thunder thighs, a pooching stomach, and other areas with fat. Yet my scale says I weigh 215 today. Before my DS, I really just tried to avoid looking in the mirror at all...I guess I had simply gotten so big I couldn't even stand to look at myself. Now that I am losing weight, I am often in front of the mirror for extended periods of time.

Another example of this body dysmorphia I seem to be developing....Yesterday, I was talking with my secretary saying how I wish that I could be thin like her for Christmas. She gave me the strangest look and said, "I'm a size 22." I thought to myself, "Holy Smokes, I never really saw myself as being smaller than her...yet I am."

So at what point does your head catch up with your physical body? I mean I am almost at the point where I realize that no matter what chair I sit down in, I'm not going to break it. That one aspect alone has taken me almost nine months! The mental aspect of this surgery really does take some getting accustomed to, especially if you have been SMO as long as I have been.

The one thing I am most thankful for by having the DS is that for the first time in my life, I feel like I am in control. Not only am I in control, but when I make the right choices, I typically see good results. It is such an empowering feeling after years and years of failure with dieting. The DS is a powerful tool!

Guess What My Arse Fits In???

A SIZE 20 pair of dress pants!!!!

I am looking at these new dress pants I bought, and I can't believe that I can wear these. My mom needs to hem them up, but still. I have not worn a size twenty in so long. Size 20 was the lowest size I got down to when I was taking Phen-Phen. I am really almost in completely new territory!

I have heard people on the DS board say that their weight loss was different with their DS than previous diet attempts (even for those who had lost a lot of weight). I am still almost 20 pounds away from my lowest phen-phen weight, yet I'd imagine by the time I lose another 20 pounds, I will be in a smaller size. I wonder if others who read my blog have had similar experiences along your weight loss journey with your WLS.

The other thing that amazes me is that I actually fit in these pants. Tonight I just kept staring at them. I kept thinking, my body fits in those pants. They seem so small, yet I can wear them...zipping them up and all. I am truly not accustomed to clothing this small. (I realize this is huge clothing compared to some of you all, but not for me.) I have actually put these pants on four or five times tonight. I guess just trying to make sure that it is real. Each time, thinking I won't be able to pull them up over my hips, but I can. We all face our mental blocks, and on so many days, I still see myself as a 393 pound woman, but I am not that woman anymore. Looking at these pants helps ground me in some (WONDERFUL) reality!

*I keep trying to separate the paragraphs, and Blogger keeps on mushing them together! Sorry!

Associating Weight with Beauty

Tonight I had a nice long three hour talk with a great friend of mine. I love talking with Andrea because I like to hear her perspective on things. I do think she is a very wise person. I was describing my sister tonight and I said, "She is 130 pounds, ....." Andrea stopped me right in my tracks. She said, "Have you ever noticed how when you describe someone you think is beautiful that you always begin with what their weight is?" Honestly, it had never even hit me until just then.

I have always had a negative body image. I can remember my mom telling me that if I didn't lose weight I was going to have to have my clothes made by Omar the Tent Maker. (My mom didn't say many bad things about my weight, but this is one comment I still vividly remember.) I guess it would be easier to feel like I am beautiful or pretty if I had ever truly been loved by a man as a heavy person. I have never felt this type of love. I secretly hope thta I will meet my true love before I have lost all my excess weight, because I want him to love me for who I am completely.

I know many times throughout this journey I will be frustrated with my body image. I've actually heard many people who have lost all their weight say that they are more concerned with their body image as a thin person than they ever were as a heavy person. Andrea reminded me tonight that I am a beautiful person. I long to hear that from a man who loves me. Old habits die hard, but I want to try to break the habit of associating weight with beauty.